


Define Beauty

by Just_Dewitt



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anorexia, CRYING EVERYWHERE, Crying, Depression warning, Eventual Smut, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Sad AU, best person for comfort tbh, oh btw marco has cancer, roommates with marcooo, school au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-26 10:43:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5001649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_Dewitt/pseuds/Just_Dewitt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reiner loves Crista, who loves Ymir, who loves Crista back. Bertholdt knows this, but it doesn't stop him from still trying to make up for not being as good looking as Crista might be.. It may be killing him, but hey, so is his love for Reiner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ew. Food.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll add onto this story when I need to get my sadness out ._."

"Eat."

"Reiner.. I'm not hungry..."

"Eat. Now."

God how Bertholdt hated food.. Even if his portion was small, it still concerned him- he was concerned about how it would effect his appearance, but especially if it'll make him sick from eating it.. He wasn't use to eating, after all.

"Doesn't bread make you fat..?" He mumbled in response, staring down at the small piece of food in his hand.

Reiner sighed in slight annoyance before replying to his question, obviously frustrated, but trying to remain calm for Bertholdt's sake. "Bertl.. You could use some added weight. You're practically a stick! I can see the outline of your bones faintly when you're not wearing anything! Just eat.. Please."

The taller of the two fell silent, beginning to shift his feet nervously. He tried to be skinny for Reiner, he wanted him to love him, despite knowing Reiner loved Crista.. He wanted to know he could be as pretty and seemingly beautiful as Crista was- but.. It was obvious at this point that Reiner didn't seem to care about his attempts- or perhaps it was because Bertholdt had never really told Reiner /why/ he wanted to be skinny.. That would make more sense, he thought.

"Bertholdt."

He snapped out of his thoughts, finally directing his gaze up at Reiner quickly, meeting the other's own serious, determined and intimidating expression.

"Eat it."

Reiner's voice was demanding, and his stare was hardened on Bertholdt's nervous-looking face. He didn't flinch, he didn't move, he didn't shift.. Hell, Reiner didn't even /blink/.

This sent a fearful shiver down Bertholdt's spine, feeling extremely intimidated now- but he knew that was his crush's intentions.

The black-haired male finally started to bring the piece of bread to his mouth, having trouble to even find the will-power to open his trembling lips and allow the food to go into his mouth. Bertholdt immediately took notice of how dry his mouth really was from the fear, not truly noticing until now. More nervousness swept over him, realizing he didn't even have much saliva to help break down the Hellish substance in his mouth.. So, Bertholdt forced himself to chew all that his will would allow him to.

Bite. . .

B i t e . . .

The chewing was instinctively slow, and the black-haired male didn't seem to notice in the slightest.. Reiner did, though- but he was patient with Bertholdt's struggle to force the food down. As long as he was eating, Reiner was willing to wait whatever time it took Bertholdt to fully consume it.

G u l p.

Such a hard, pained swallow – it made Reiner wince at how loud it was.. When you swallow, it's not suppose to be so loud and seemingly painful.

Bertholdt began gagging soon after consuming the bread, covering his mouth and trying not to throw up as his body rejected the food. Reiner sighed softly, feeling semi-guilty for forcing Bertholdt to eat the bread, although he knew it had to be done.

Reiner gently brought the other close to him, immediately holding him in a comforting, loving manner as he rubbed Bertholdt's back soothingly. "You'll be okay.. You'll get through it... I'm right here, Bertl... It's okay.." He reassured him gently.

Bertholdt hated food, but he loved the affection he got when he ate it.


	2. Let Me Ease It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing a sad, dying Marco-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter will definitely be concentrating on Marco & Jean's relationship- just a warning

Sigh.

S i g h.

Siiiigh.

 

"Okay, what's wrong, Bertl?" He heard a familiar voice ask, and a freckled face peek in.

Silence & no response.

"C'mon Bertl, I don't have forever." Marco laughed a little, walking into the room and carrying the thing that practically kept him alive.

Yeah, his freckled roommate had cancer. Tubes in his nose, and having to carry around the thing that gives him oxygen through the tubes in his nose.. Why he wasn't in the hospital? They've done all they could, to be perfectly honest.. Plus, Marco's cancer hasn't spread to any other important areas, so there's no use keeping him in a hospital when he's not going to die extremely soon, and when they've done everything they can.

"Is it Reiner..?" His voice softened, but it was still enough to make Bertholdt wince at the mention of him.

"It is, isn't it..?" Marco approached the other slowly, who was laying on his side on his bed. His roommate's voice was a lot more gentle and careful now, which was a little reassuring.

He nodded in response, still staying verbally quiet.

Marco took notice of the nod as he sat on the edge of Bertholdt's bed. "Jean still likes Mikasa." He blurted out, which caught Bertl's attention and got him to slowly sit up.

"He's always staring," he continued on. "and he even gets me to talk to her for him.. I'm glad she knows I like him.." Marco slowly smiled, although it was a sad smile. He then turned his gaze onto the other. "I know how you feel, is what I'm getting to... You need to stop keeping me in the dark about Reiner."

He knew what he was getting at. He knew he would have to tell Marco, or else he might just continue on using saddening examples of how he can understand Bertholdt's feelings.. And he didn't need those sad examples. He really didn't.

"It's just.. When he shows me love and affection, it stabs my heart..." He explained quietly.

Bertholdt gently bit his bottom lip at Marco's confused expression, but relaxed when hearing why he was confused. "But if he loves Crista, why is he showing that kind of affection?"

Siiigghhh~

"He got me to eat... And was comforting me after."

He received a long "ohhhh" of understanding.

 

Then there was a pause.

 

"I think Jean might be covering up how he feels.." Bertholdt suddenly said, breaking the thick silence.

 

"Don't be silly.. He wouldn't want someone who's dying as a boyfriend."

 

"That's...

 

That's sad, Marco..."

 

"Well.. The truth is, I guess..."

 

"Do you really think that's the truth..?"

 

"If he doesn't want a dying best friend, why would he want a dying boyfriend?"

 

"Aren't you still his best friend?"

 

 

"........."

 

 

"He avoids me."


	3. Blissful Ignorance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drama, drama everywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, my friend & I were talking about this fanfic in class (because she's reading it) and I must credit her for the "I'm anorexic!" "And I'm fucking leukaemia, nice to meet you!" part- we were discussing stuff of what might happen in the future in this fanfic, and I just- yeah.. I told her it would be in the fanfic, and it is- the way I ended the chapter was rather shitty, so I'll change it later

"Jean-!"

'Just ignore him.. Ignore him, Jean- maybe he'll jus-'

"Jean! Hey, Jean!"

'Fuck.'

The blond-haired teen turned around, being faced with the face of his ex-best friend, who was wearing a saddened smile.. Although, it /did/ become happier once Jean faced Marco.

That alone broke his heart.

"You finally stopped ignoring me.. That's good." He forced himself to laugh, lightening the mood.

"What is it, Marco?" He asked, sighing.

"Honestly.." Marco started in a quiet voice, his frown back again. "I just missed hearing your voice.."

"I need to go."

"Please don't.. I-I'm sorry if I said something wrong- I miss you, please don't go- Jean-"

The sounds of steps beginning to walk off quickly filled the empty stair case, the pleading scream of Marco following almost immediately afterwards.

"JEAN, PLEAS--"

"J-.. Jean...."

His voice sounded filled with heartbreak and Jean hated that. He didn't want to hurt Marco.. But he himself didn't want to be hurt when Marco died. It was true that Jean had zero hope in Marco's survival, and he showed that more than he knew he probably should.

The sounds of Marco running down the stairs, and the sounds of him hiccuping while he held back his hard crying was what snapped in Jean. He pulled out his phone and started to type aggressively on it, cap-locks and everything.. He didn't even think about how it would effect Marco, and at the time, he didn't even care. He didn't even want to think about it.

 

\-------------------

"M-Marco..?" The freckled boy tensed up upon hearing his name being softly called, but knew he shouldn't have.. It was his room mate, after all. He wasn't there to harm him, only comfort him

"Yeah..?" He responded, mentally scolding himself for having such a broken, weak voice.

"What happened?" Bertholdt asked, his voice less gentle and more filled with concern instead caution as he approached Marco, who was curled up on his bed.

"Jean hates me... H-He hates me.."

"Wait.. What..? How do you know? You can't just assume things like that, Marc--"

Marco turned on his phone and put in his password, then shoved it in Bertl's way, cutting the other off. He flinched instinctively but slowly took the phone, reading out a long message in his head (sent by Jean) that wrote

"You know why I'm ignoring you Marco? Do you? IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SURVIVE!! IF I GET CLOSE TO YOU AGAIN, I'LL JUST BE HURT!! I know you're upset that I'm ignoring you and all, but that hurt isn't even going to last long if you going to FUCKING DIE!! Plus, whenever I do let you near me, you just get in the way when I try to get close to Mikasa!! When you're around, you're too clingy!! SO JUST FUCK OFF, MARCO!! YOU HAVE OTHER PEOPLE!! GET THE HELL OVER ME, BECAUSE I DONT WANT YOU NEAR ME! I THOUGHT THAT WAS OBVIOUS ENOUGH!"

'Mikasa is an excuse.. But I can see why he's avoiding Marco now..' Bertholdt thought. Although he felt semi-calm, the message Jean sent still made his heart sink for Marco.. Especially since he heard Marco beginning to cry rather hard again. He knew he didn't deserve this. It wasn't Marco's fault for having cancer, and it was especially not his fault for Mikasa not loving him.

"It's okay Mar-"

"No it's not, Bertholdt! It's not!!"

He winced at Marco yelling at him, stepping back a bit.. The yelling was definitely something he wasn't expecting.

"I'm sick of pretending everything is okay! It's not okay, Bert!"

"Maybe if you just--"

"I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT!!" Marco screamed. "I keep trying to act happy for you because you're always bitching about Reiner and about how sick you are! You did that to yourself, and I didn't!! I didn't do anything to make me have cancer!! I'm not going to let you make me go back to pretending everything is okay! Let me be upset for once!!"

Bertholdt bit his bottom lip hard, clenching his hand in a fist now. He took a deep breath, before being loud for once. "Marco, I didn't mean for it to get this far! I may have started it, but it's not my actual fault that I'm /this/ sick! I'm anorexic!! It's a DISORDER!"

Marco gritted his teeth, sitting up and angrily shoving his hand out as if to shake Bertl's. "AND I'M FUCKING LEUKEMIA, NICE TO MEET YOU!!"

Bertholdt's eyes widened and he slowly relaxed, seeming almost shocked now. He sighed softly and just walked out of the room, closing the door softly.


	4. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa gives Jean a lecture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really check for spelling mistakes because I'm hella tired, so sorry-

"Jean?"

A sigh of relief was heard from the boy, knowing exactly who was calling his name. Jean turned around and gave Mikasa a gentle, nice smile. "Yeah?"

"I just wanted to comment on the fact that Marco is never with you anymore... He's always following you around, so why isn't he anymore? Did something happen?" She asked with that blank expression of hers, but her words told how concerned she really was.

Jean frowned upon the black haired girl mentioning Marco, pausing then shaking his head. "No.. Nothing is wrong. Don't worry." He reassured her, faking a smile.

'Oh shit..' He thought, noticing Mikasa's expression twitch in annoyance. "Really? Because Bertholdt told Reiner how upset Marco had been because of you, and it spread to Eren then me. We weren't told what exactly you said, but it was enough to make Marco break down completely.. What did you do, Jean?" As Mikasa kept talking, her voice becoming more and more annoyed. He didn't doubt that this pissed Eren off, therefore, angering Mikasa to some degree.

"Look, I just-" Jean paused, sighing and collecting himself so he could continue. "I told him I didn't want to be friends with him.. And for him to never talk with me again- Mikasa, I just- I care, but when he dies, I don't want to be hurt-!"

All Jean felt in that moment was a stinging feeling on the side of his face, and suddenly, his face was tilted to the side too.

'Did she just slap me..?'

Jean looked back at Mikasa, eyes wide and his expression filled with shock.

"Eren was right.. Marco doesn't deserve this. This isn't right, Jean.. He doesn't just like you, either. He loves you. I've known that for a long time. Eren, Armin and I promised to not tell anyone.. But it's time you know. He loves you, but shoves his feelings aside to make you happy... You're selfish. You really are.. You should hear the things he's said about you. They're honestly more loving and genuine than what you've said to me." She practically growled, glaring a little bit.

"Look, I'm just here to tell you all this because I don't think you'd want Eren to be the one saying all this, now would you?"

He shook his head, swallowing against a knot in his throat. It made his eyes water.

"Good.. Now go speak with him."

"Wait-.. No-! I can't!"

"Make things right, Jean. Before he's dead.. Let him die happy."

The words themselves made Jean's heart sink.. That's right. Marco was dying. How could he forget that?


	5. Somnophilia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco was visiting relatives to help himself calm down, and Reiner was sleeping over to make sure someone was around to make sure Bertholdt ate. (this is a long chapter- be proud of me ;w;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo this was just going to be a whole separate one-shot story and be a porn-without-plot fanfic, but in the middle of making this, I went "hey fuck it let's add this to Define Beauty", but I know I'm going to regret it-- so yeah, this is some weird somnophilia nsfw/smut

Bertholdt made an absently quiet hum as he slid the silky material up his leg, already done on his other leg. The way the smooth yet soft fabric climbed up his leg slowly, from his toes and making it's way up his heel, sliding up his calf, past his knee then continuing to creep upwards to end resting at his thighs filled him with an indescribable excitement.. It filled him with confidence in his appearance. Confidence he had never felt before.. Confidence that made him want to do things he's never dared do before. Like secretly fuck Reiner. Bertholdt smiled to himself and then ended the look by sliding on a short skirt, which fit perfectly.

He didn't know if he had somnophilia and /that's/ why he did it, or if it were the fear to do it when Reiner knew what was happening.. But Bertholdt would always take advantage of how heavy of a sleeper Reiner was whenever he had visited and decided to sleep over. It started with kissing, then went downhill from there, going so far to have given Reiner a blowjob & hand job before.. But never has he had sex with Reiner while he slept, hence why he was wearing thigh-high stockings and a too-short skirt.. Bertholdt needed the confidence they gave him when he wore them.

He peaked into the room, making sure Reiner was still asleep. Thankfully, he was. Bertholdt slowly approached his sleeping form and carefully crawled onto the bed, still feeling slight paranoia. He let himself gaze at Reiner's peaceful expression, and found himself beginning to frown sadly. "I'm sorry..." Bertholdt whispered, slowly sliding down Reiner's boxers, which was really the only thing he wore to bed. "I'm sorry for being so desperate and selfish.." He continued, his expression becoming more saddened as he took out Reiner's dick.. He was saddened that he was most likely taking the other's virginity, and either way, this was definitely counted as rape.

Having confidence in being able to get use to Reiner's length, since he had prepared himself only a minute ago, Bertholdt slowly crawled himself on the other's lap, lining his dick up with his own entrance then lowered himself onto Reiner's cock. Bertholdt swallowed back against a knot in his throat from the pain he began feeling as the thick length stretched out his insides, causing him to begin letting out pained whimpers. Bertholdt let out a soft, semi-quiet sob at the feeling of Reiner's prick continuing to force itself deeper into Bertholdt. He finally made himself stay still in place so he could adjust to the feeling, biting his bottom lip now.

Tears threatened to roll down his cheeks while he let out deep breaths through his nose to be more quieter.. Although, Bertholdt's small whimpers made up for the lack of noise.

Once he felt better enough to move again, Bertholdt let Reiner's now-hardened cock continue sliding further into him again, stopping once his full length had finally buried itself deep inside the taller male, who let out a hitched breath at the sight of being able to actually see a faint line on himself where Reiner's prick was buried inside him. It made Bertholdt feel a wave of panic and lust, finding it extremely terrifying yet sexy.

His thoughts, however, were cut off at Reiner instinctively bucking his hips to thrust into the tight heat of Bertholdt's hole, letting out a faint moan because of it. The taller male let out a semi-pleasured sigh then began chewing on his bottom lip again, despite knowing Reiner was still asleep. Bertholdt didn't let himself fully get use to the length of the cock inside him, knowing Reiner's instincts would take over if he didn't move.

Bertholdt started to move himself up and down, but making sure to do it very slowly so he could still get use to the thickness that had claimed his hole. He let out a moan, the pain now almost completely replaced with pleasure. He heard Reiner starting to moan too, which filled him with pride. Bertholdt began to ride the other faster, crying out and whimpering in pleasure. He swore he could hear Reiner moan out his name quietly, but thought it was probably just his imagination getting the better of him from being able to live out his fantasies.

It wasn't.

Bertholdt let out a surprised, panicked gasp as he felt hands suddenly grip onto his hips to stop his actions completely, and his name being called out again, but this time, as if to catch his attention. His expression twisted into terror & fear when his eyes fell onto Reiner's face and was met with the other's own open eyes, that alone being able to show he was now awake.

"Were you really just riding me while I slept..?" He asked, his voice heavily filled with sleep, accompanied with seemingly annoyance.

"N-No.." Bertholdt whimpered out fearfully in response, praying that somehow, Reiner would believe him, despite his cock obviously being deep inside his friend's throbbing, tight hole.

Reiner sighed, then began staring into Bertholdt's eyes. "This is some sick shit, Bertl.." He said, using a gentle voice to hurt the other less, but still wasn't surprised by the wince the taller one made at the wording.

Reiner then paused, falling silent for a few moments as he watched tears stream down Bertholdt's face. "But.. With how desperate you are, and by how fucking sexy you look right now, I can't resist you." He finished, deciding that if he complimented Bertholdt's appearance, it would help him feel less upset.. And it did. The taller of the two slowly looked at Reiner with a brighter expression than before, seeming to concentrate more on the compliment than on the fact that Reiner said he would still have sex with him. "You really think I look good like this..?" He mumbled quietly, beginning to beam with happiness and relief.

"Yes, I do."

Bertholdt let a small smile appear on his face, and he slowly wiped away his tears. "Th-Thanks.. For the compliment, and for not rejecting me..." Reiner smiled at the happiness that Bertholdt seemed to get and nodded as a way of saying "you're welcome". Reiner slowly sat up, not removing his friend from his lap then looked back up at him. "You still want to do this Bertl?"

He got a firm nod in response, and Reiner found that to be a good enough answer. He began gripping onto Bertholdt's hips tighter, starting to thrust into him now. Reiner could hear the other beginning to moan somewhat loudly again, and let himself moan at the feeling of Bertholdt's hot, tight hole squeezing nicely around his cock.

Reiner began licking his lips as he looked over the sight in front of him; Bertholdt had his eyes closed shut and his mouth hung open just a little bit, to let his pleasured noises escape easier. His back was arched and occasionally, Bertl would spread his legs just a little bit more from the greed and lust that flowed through him... Then there was the thigh-highs and skirt, which let his cock peak out, but just barely. The sight itself was pretty much a tease on it's own.

Reiner smirked a little bit, almost smugly, and started to bring Bertholdt's hips down roughly when he would thrust into him, causing Reiner to slam right into Bertholdt's prostate. He heard the black-haired male practically scream out his name, and couldn't help but begin attacking his neck with nips, bites, and sucks as he thrusted mercilessly into Bertholdt, who continued letting out screams and sobs of pleasure.

Reiner stopped attacking his neck and leaned back to admire the trembling, hickey-filled mess that was now Bertholdt, and could feel him squeezing tighter around his cock. He didn't need to be told to know that Bertholdt was close to reaching his climax now. He was too, honestly.

Reiner began thrusting as fast & hard as he could now, and it really didn't take long for the both of them to cum.

Bertholdt then leaned in to kiss Reiner, but was stopped.

"I said I would have sex with you.. This doesn't mean we're together, Bertholdt. I love Crista.. I was just doing this because of how desperate you were to have sex with me."

His heart sank at Reiner words and Bertholdt looked away, tears almost immediately filling in his eyes, but still nodded.

"Oh.. I-.. Um... Okay.. I- I understand..." He stammered out.

Reiner just nodded and smiled, relived at how Bertholdt seemed to take that easily.

 

Seemed.

 

That's the key word here.


End file.
